So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
