Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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