She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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