Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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