i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
