There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
