I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
