Moan for me like Helen Keller
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize