i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
