How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
