I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
