I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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