I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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