I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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