Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
