Cold hands, warm shart.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
