im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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