I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
