He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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