Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
