he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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