This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
