I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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