this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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