We're like a lot better than the average bears
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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