News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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