if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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