My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Oh god it's open bar.
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