I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
