If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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