so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
