i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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