After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
