Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize