I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
