the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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