honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
