I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
