So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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