ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize