Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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