Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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