Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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