Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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