Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
false alarm. still invincible.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
