it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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