I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
