it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
