On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
