I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
