My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
