Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
