I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
