i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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