Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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