Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
