Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
