Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
