trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
