my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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